It’s been a while…..
Welcome to version #87 of this post. I seem to recall – once upon a time – that this blog was supposed to be about relocating to a foreign country. What the hell happened to that? I’m not even sure what this blog is even about anymore, but whatever it is, I thank you hearty and kind souls for sticking with me.
Truth is, I am just a newborn baby writer. I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no process or discipline. I am also a world class procrastinator and so, so lazy. This has gotten much more pronounced since living my slow paced rural life in France.
A few months ago, I went to a writing workshop. I was looking for some guidance and hoping to gain some skills to help me become a better writer. I learned a lot and it definitely wasn’t all about writing. It actually was quite traumatizing and chipped away any budding confidence I had in my writing. For a while, it killed my desire to write anything at all. However, I did come away with one very valuable lesson. I need to write the truth – my truth. Any attempt lighten or pretty up the truth read “flat” or didn’t ring true. That workshop was brutal and I think it damaged me more than helped, but I did learn that I need to be as honest in my writing as I am in my life. I’ve never been good at sugar coating things or hiding my feelings. Whenever I find myself in a situation where I have to communicate on a purely superficial level or paste a smile on my face and act like “everything is fine!”, I get all squirmy and uncomfortable, and feel like a fraud. That’s not to say that there isn’t room for whimsy and lightness and fun….there absolutely is – it just needs to be completely true.
So this is why I’m on version #87 of this post. After writing so much about losing our Parker, I wanted to pivot away from the heaviness and write about something else. I wanted to share something different, something lighter, something more about life in France. After all, that is what this blog was supposed to be about in the first place, right? I started again and again, but I just couldn’t focus on one clear idea. My attempt to write something light and fun just wasn’t ringing true – my words are all true, but the tone wasn’t reflecting what was in my mind and in my heart.
So here I am, still on version #87 and still wrestling with it. I want to write about my life now, but I feel that if I share more about my complicated relationship with France, I’ll sound like a real jerk…”oh poor me, living the dream we planned for ourselves and now I’m not happy!”, wah, wah, wah….cry me a river, right? But, I have to be honest, as whiny as it may sound.
The truth is I have struggled pretty much since my feet hit French soil in January 2020. Our dream was to bust out of our comfort zone, set out on an adventure, explore a new country, and to experience a new life. Oh, we definitely did all of that. Our plan to move to France was a good and viable one – meticulously researched and organized and it is working very well in many ways. We have built a very solid life in France. But for me, France has come to represent tremendous loss, so very much loss. Loss of my home, loss of ease and familiarity, loss of my career and sense of purpose, loss of precious loved ones, and the latest crushing loss of my Parker Boy. In these last few years, in this pursuit of change and adventure, I somehow lost me. I miss me.
So, back to the pup for a minute…..our boy loved his life in France. He loved our home and our yard. He had his supremely important job of neighborhood watch and saving us from marauding cats. It was a magical life for our pampered dog. He had so much freedom – he got to run off leash in the woods, jump in the Dordogne River for a cool drink and a dip, and bark at local livestock. A very full life for a canine, but for this human, not so much. I need more than what this rural life offers. When the pup was here, it made sense to stay. Seeing our boy living a happy life filled my heart with joy and light and that made it worth it. But, now that he’s gone, it’s time to think about making some changes.
Despite my challenges and the strong desire to flee, I have to remind myself not to throw out the baby with the bathwater. We have worked very hard to build our lives in France. We have forged solid connections in our community and have been welcomed into an amazing circle of friends – some of the most genuine, kind, thoughtful, loyal and loving people on the planet. I can’t ignore the priceless gifts this experience has brought me. We have accomplished something extraordinary and when I think about who we were when we first arrived – wide eyed, scared, excited, and naïve – to who we are today, I am truly proud of us. If it ultimately doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean it was wrong to try. I am learning to accept that this is something I did, not who I am.
So now, in version #87, I’ll write about what’s happening now. I’ll eventually get back to the chronological story of the journey and building our life in France, but for today, I’ll write about the present.
At this very moment, I am on an Alaska Airlines flight to Kauai. A surprising jump from France, right? We’ve had this trip planned for quite some time. The main objective of this trip was to go to San Diego for our oldest grandson, Wade’s, high school graduation. It is unbelievable to me that our little guy is graduating! It was just five minutes ago that I would hold him in my arms and we’d watch the planes take off from the airport and then read him Little Bear before bed. We are so proud of this exceptional young man and we can’t wait to celebrate this huge milestone with him and our family.
We flew to San Diego last Monday with plans to recuperate from our jet lag and spend a few days in the old neighborhood and catch up with some family and friends. We’ll be spending 2 weeks in Kauai with friends – using up the time share weeks that piled up during Covid and our time away – (use ‘em or lose ‘em!) and then head back to San Diego for some more family time and to celebrate our Waders.
When we arrived Monday evening we were completely wiped out from 20 hours of travel and promptly fell into bed. The next day, I woke up to the cacophonous squeals of the local green parrots. It was typical May Gray morning, with low, thick clouds over the marina….home.
We spent the day walking around our old neighborhood, running errands – the post office, bank, the weed store. I had a long overdue pedicure, spent the whole day in yoga pants and flip flops and had dinner at the Brig….the familiar things. All day, as I steeped in the cool, damp air, I felt normal; calm, grounded, like me again. Even with the jet laggy pressure behind my eyes and the dull throbbing in my temples, I felt like some of the layers of my depression were peeling off my chest. While walking the familiar sidewalks along the bay, I realized that I didn’t wake up with the oppressive sadness that had been weighing me down for so long. I was home.
This feeling offered a lot clarity for me. I have been so worried that this pathetic heap that I had become might just be who I am now. I am a firm believer that wherever you go, there you are. A change of location or situation won’t magically change you….you’ve got to manage your shit no matter your locale. I had been plagued with worry that the pathetic heap was with me for good, but now I don’t believe that’s completely true. Believe me, I have plenty of shit to work on, but the lightness I felt in the last few days fills me with more optimism than I have felt in a long time.
So while this clarity has been very comforting, the conundrum is that home really is in France. .…not San Diego. We are firmly ensconced in our life in France – socially, legally, financially, etc. Relocating to France was very financially advantageous for us. Our house is paid for, we have very few bills, and medical care is very good and costs a tiny fraction of what it costs in the US. I feel like I’ve painted my way into a corner and it’s going to take some doing and a lot of money to back out of it, if that’s what we decide to do. For some time now, we thought that splitting our time between France and San Diego would be a good option. We’d be leaving a lot behind if we left France completely, so maybe that is something we can explore.
But, no matter what, some changes have to happen. I need to take some time away from France. The constant reminders of my Parker Boy has almost paralyzed me. The truth is, I have been in a very dark place for a long time and the loss of Parker nearly broke me. I have had every opportunity to do all of the things I could do to improve my mental health – get some therapy, eat better, drink less, exercise more, but mostly I just didn’t wanna. As it was, I could hardly get myself out of the house before we left for this trip – my packing was so arduous and even more ridiculous than usual. I cried my fool head off as we were driving away. It took me some time to figure out why and then I realized that I felt like I was leaving my Parker behind and it felt like I was losing him all over again. I know I need to fully grieve my losses, but staying in my house – at least right now – has kept me stuck in a very sad place.
So, what to do right now? I will go to Kauai and spend the next 2 weeks in Paradise! A place that I always called my second home, but I guess now it’s now my third home? No matter….for me it’s always been a place of peace and deep spiritual healing. The minute I step off the plane and in to the warm tropical air, my hair frizzes up and my nerves settle down. I’ll do yoga, hike, read, maybe even write some more. I will spend time with two of my very dear friends and rest my mind and soul.
Then we will go back to San Diego for some more time with friends and family and to celebrate our Wader’s graduation. Later in June, we will welcome a big chunk of our family to our home in France. This is the second year in a row the they will be coming. It definitely makes me appreciate our home in France when we share it with the people we love.
Beyond that? I’m planning to go back to work. Not full time, and not back to the bedside, but some contract work, teaching some new products in hospitals. It will be a good opportunity to use my nurse brain again while getting to work on my own schedule and be able to travel between the States and France. I’ll be able to spend time with family and friends and work in different hospitals around the country. I am very much looking forward to this. I will be able to step away from France for a bit, do something different and maybe gain some new perspective on life. I know this scares my husband – a lot. He’s been staring at me for the last few months, waiting for me to completely lose my marbles or run screaming from the country, but he’s a very patient and understanding man. In fact, he was the one who heard about this opportunity and shared it with me. He is very supportive and I’m profoundly grateful for that. He’ll probably join me, at least part of the time and we’ll keep our minds and our eyes open as we plan for what comes next.
I’ll end it here for now. I’m sitting on the patio in Kauai, looking out over the deep blue Pacific as my butt is getting progressively more numb from sitting and writing for too long.
Once again, I thank you for reading this odd stream of consciousness and allowing me to share my thoughts.
Lots of love to you,
❤️ Lisa
Love you! Enjoy your time to reset. Miss seeing you. I thought you would want to know that we bought Laura’s wedding dress this weekend.
Oh Claire! So good to hear from you and I love, love, love that you told me about “Little Laura”. Our little moment together is one of my favorite, funny memories! Congratulations to Laura! Love and miss you too. ❤️
Love reading your blog . Every word makes complete sense to me . Enjoy your time in paradise . I sense so much clarity in your words . Sending love .
Yes, authenticity is everything in writing and in life. I love this so much. You really shared your heart and soul. I think being in Kawai is going to be perfect for you right now. I love Hawaii so much also. There’s an immediate peace and relaxation as soon as the plane lands and you smell the flowers that are just in the air everywhere. It’s going to be so healing, And then being in your familiar hometown. As for the rest, what an adventure! We will see how that all goes. Love you to bits.
Lisa, I barely got to know you on our one week together in France but loved your energy & smiling face!
As I was a travel agent for 35 years, I love reading your adventure moving to France. Sounds like you have the perfect partner to be in life together!
Enjoy the relaxing waves in Kauai & reset. Onto the next leg of life. You have a great plan in place.
You’ll never forget Parker but you’re heart will heal with time, be patient. 💔
Hugs to you until we meet again
Mary Ann
I love this!! Your honesty is so refreshing and I admire and love you so much ! This new job sounds perfect…I can’t wait to hear more about it. Trying new things and having the guts to live your dream and re evaluate your decision takes such strength and mindfulness, even if you can’t see it yet! Keep listening to your gut and listen to where the universe is taking you…
XXOO Your friend, Pattie Rios❤️
This is one of your best! I like your ” conversational” style. I listen and pretend we are talking .
Continue to have a wonderful trip!
How very brave of you to write how you truly feel and I can certainly relate to every word, I’m sending you hugs n love 🫂💟 You arrived in France to create your new life at the start of COVID, what a horrendous start to the adventure AND look at what you have both achieved, it’s beyond outstanding!!! 🥳🌟 Grieving Parker, I truly deeply feel your pain, 3+ years on I still miss my darling Biscotte terribly… now it’s time for you to heal and hell yeah, get the best of both worlds! We all enjoy ‘purpose’, just follow your heart 💝 … lots of love from us all in the 49 😘 xxx
Sister!!! 😭🤗❤️🩹
I’m so glad you are Kauai!!
Being so close to you, I always feel so deeply what you share and I mostly cry through most of your blogs. 🤪😭 That is because I love you my sister! Also, so much of this resonates with me, because I have also experienced so much loss over these passed 3 years. I miss San Diego too although, I do love the life I created here in NC. You know all this already. Lol.
Please let’s get on the phone soon.
🙏🤗😘
I have just read your #87. I have 86 to catch up on. Whoever put you down about your writing is completely out to lunch. You care about so many things and have the strength of character to face them. Your style is easy and uplifting to read. Writers hate other writers if they see something they can’t do. Sail on silver bird!
My dear Lisa, you are much too hard on yourself. Regardless of your self introspection, you remain one of the kindest, most beautiful (inside and out) people I know.
After your pedicure and having your hair done by your regular professional, I’m sure your attitude on life has picked up. In Kauai, sitting in the sun with dear friends…everyone needs that kind of break, especially after all the changes you’ve experienced.
San Diego is a better place when you and Skip are apart of it. I know that’s true in France as well. We just have to share you with the world.
Love,
Sally, Watson the cat and Cujo (Mickey) the attack dog
Lisa 🌸 I love reading your blogs and marvel at your ability to put your life experiences so clearly into words. A gift for sure 😉. For those of us who read especially! I love you and your honesty and am so happy to get to share in your life on another level through your posts.
Love, Alisa
I totally feel where you’re coming from. I think I would feel the same way. And I just love Kauai! I was just there myself a month ago and can never get enough. Whereabouts are you staying? I’m curious! Tunnels Beach is one of my favorite places to go. I totally agree that it is such a great spiritual place to relax and regroup. Funny because I went through a bit of the same as you with Parker when I lost my Phinneus 8 years ago. I went to the big island with my family right after I had to let him go and I do feel like I processed and dumped a lot of my grief while I was there. hope you can do the same and definitely keep us in the loop on what you decide to do. But I absolutely love the idea of going back-and-forth between San Diego and France, it sounds wonderful.
You are such a great writer! You need to give yourself more credit. You are all those things you aspire to – best of all heartfelt and honest ❤️. I’m so happy you’ll be in the U.S. more often (and maybe sometimes here in SD!). Love you my friend 😘
You are remarkable, Lisa. I love getting thin slices of your life and your heart and your brain. You’ve inspired me with your bravery. We all struggle with issues that you bring forth; grief, doubt, joy, and pain. Wishing you serenity and rejuvenation and family love. Let us know about your travels and NEW job soon. Cheers!
Wow, Deb….you inspire ME! Thank you for these beautiful words….it means the world to me. Hope all is well in your world. ❤️
Hi friend! I love reading everything you write. It’s like I’m sitting next to you and you are telling me everything. I hope Kauai brings you the peace, clarity, joy and relaxation that you need. Enjoy today and don’t look at tomorrow yet. As with anything, one step at a time. Miss and love you!
Love,
Lauren
You always know exactly the right things to say to me. I WISH we were sitting next to each other having a nice long chat….like on our old nightshifts together.
Hope all is well with you, my friend.
I’m back. I read about your “withdrawal” from San Diego as you embarked to France. It sounds like what it must have been, poignant, exhausting, terrifying.
Also Parker’s last day. Powerful stuff. A difficult narration to share yet so well done. It is in its way a goodbye, and yet, in time, a place to go. When you told me during a phone call, Duo, that Parker had gone, I did what other people do, “Oh, that’s really too bad.”
But after reading your blog I realize there was and is a world of memory and emotion you shared, well told. You two really gave that wonderful, crazy individual a great and loving life. What have we in life but who we love and who love us. Rest assured that your magic carpet of love and humor carried Parker on his journey.
Andy,
Your words of kindness and wisdom mean so much to me. You are one of a kind….thoughtful, encouraging and with huge heart. It’s no wonder you were such an amazing teacher. I know you’ve made a lifelong impact on your lucky students. I’m so grateful to have you in my life. ❤️
Your blogs always remind me of our year in Japan as I think I’ve told you. Such an identity crisis and culture change and home sickness that was overwhelming. I do think though you’re approaching things the right way. It’s like people that come in with a super strict birth plan and want full control then inevitably end up disappointed. It seems like you’re giving yourself the grace to change course and explore new opportunities and I hope that will brings you joy.’
I think about your time on Japan a lot since I know we’ve experienced a lot of the same feelings. Ha! A strict birth plan! That describes things so well!
Thank you for your wise and thoughtful words. Hope you’re doing well. I sure miss working with you!